2011. május 29., vasárnap

Daems: "Daepresszió"

Avagy én (Daems) és a depresszióm. Előző cikkem után kaptam egy tanácskérő levelet, amire igyekszem majd valahogy személyesen is reagálni, de mivel igazából tényleg nem tudom hogyan is lássak neki, úgy gondoltam, megosztok veletek egy rövid történetet, amit pár hónapja írtam. Mert az, hogy a Google mit ad ki, az egyetemen mit tanultam és itthon mit olvastam a depresszióról az ilyen esetben sajnos nem számít. Angolul lett írva, magyarra lefordítva nem tetszik (igen, próbáltam... és igen, angolul írok naplót, mert raj vagyok). Aki nem tud angolul, azt kárpótolják a sukár képeim, hej. Légy szíves nézzétek el, tegnap volt a 20. születésnapom és még mindig másnapos vagyok. :P

exem szeme - mindig olyan lehangoló tekintete volt csórikámnak... aztán rájöttem, hogy majdnem minden észtnek ilyen a szeme XD

Five years ago, she was only a little girl but whenever she showed up, I felt empty and everything seemed meaningless and dull.

mécses a szobámban
The little girl started to grow into a heavy woman as time passed by. Now she seems to be hanging around all the time. I keep trying to attack her with whatever I think might send her away - such as buying a neat top. Or piercing my ear. Or dying my hair some ridiculous colour. (Or dating assholes.) But she keeps sitting on my shoulders. Going down became easier than getting up again.

emlékek tava
She is called "Daepresszió".

She visits me for no reason at random occasions.

She makes me look and feel older than I actually am.

örök gyász
She ruined my appetite, memory and my ability to reason and concentrate. I feel tired all the time regardless the amount of sleep I get thus doing anything or going anywhere with her seems to require superhuman strength.

ma sincs kedvem felkelni
As the world didn't stop and everyone else kept having fun, I felt like I got stuck on a lonely island with her. I can no longer enjoy the activities which usually gave me pleasure before.

magányos sziget
People pointing out lovely weather or other cheery things started to annoy me. It is also pointless when they say "snap out of it" because I can't. I didn't choose to have her around. I also know it is "all in my head" but telling me off will definitely not help (please stop giving unfounded advice and orders). She is an illness, not a sign of my weakness.

No, thanks.
I developed a nasty habit of over-doing things - but it wouldn't push her away.

vörös mécses
Sometimes I don't even care about how bad I look or how late I will be. She even made me take days off. I also started making excuses for bad performance.

I even skip social occasions because laughter doesn't come as easily as it used to. She makes me cry more than usual - I have become ultra-sensitive.

moszkvai alagút
Because of my fear of her, I became a champion at fooling everyone, I seemed to be always (or at least mostly) "fine". I didn't realise that keeping up an emotional lie takes up even more amount of energy.

semmit sem kell erőltetni... ^_^"
No matter how exhausted I am, she doesn't let me relax or sit still.

"móka" a síneken
She makes me say negative things as I developed a tendency to find the negative in everything.

Go and fuck yourself, you bloody sodding idiot!!!
She can also make me angry and difficult to be around. My anger may flare up with little provocation.

Nyugodjál le!!!
She ruined my relationships. She turned love into war. She scared away the love of my life. Right now, the mere thought of even touching someone makes me sick. Displays of love, affection and intimacy are totally out of bounds.

She doesn't let me sleep. Sometimes, she doesn't even let me feel. I might appear distant. Sometimes I just wanna be left alone.

I tried self medication (such as alcohol) but it never helped. She brought me to my knees. My will to go on is completely destroyed.

orosz fagyi
She killed my self-confidence.

As she got heavier, I tried to figure out what's wrong and got sucked into a very deep self-analysis. I drowned in the endless list of everything that might be possibly wrong with my life and as a result I can no longer live on the surface anymore.

To cope with the situation, I would make up "brilliant" solutions such as moving to another country. But I cannot run away from her anymore.

Even if she makes me think of no longer being here.

madárka, madárka...
She made me delusional.

I sought professional help from this American guy who had the "pleasure" of living with her, too.

He is great because he is there to listen.

bezárt vadállat
He doesn't try to jolly me along.

He doesn't think I'm "just looking for attention".

"fénykoromban" 14 évesen... X'D
He doesn't point out that there are other people in this world far worse off than me (that would make me feel even more hopeless and guilty).

roma stoppol
He suggested that I could try writing a journal of my progress (as making the first step is the most difficult, I was given Prozac).

I've got the power, bitches!!!
I'll try to be more grateful for the things I already have and stop thinking of the ones I'm not capable of achieving (yet).

moszkvai pirkadat
I'm trying to get regular exercise.

I'm trying to get in touch with at least one friend per day.

my gay best friend x
I'm gonna embrace her and learn more and more about her as a psychology student.

kb. ezt látom órán :P
I'm not gonna get mad at myself. Or anyone else. Instead, I will get M.A.D. (I will try to introduce management, acceptance and discipline into my life)

a modellem
I wanna apologise for all the inconvenience I have caused. I know it can be difficult not to take anger, criticism, negativity and apathy personally. It was always her screaming, not me.

bőgés a kórházban >_<
I also know that being exposed to her for a longer time can be quite annoying. Misery loves company and many people got sucked into her stupid vortex. The relationships she lured me into were confronting, frightening and frustrating - both for my partners and me.

Minden rendben... nem látod, hogy mosolygok? :(
I accepted that no-one should be ready to navigate through someone else's messed up labyrinth.

But I promise that one day she will pass.

családi sír
And eventually, I will be able to reply to those old e-mails without her jumping on my keyboard.

Nikon D40 pajtás ^^
Please be patient. The Star with no G shall shine.
(Csillának hívnak.)

PS - Képek tőlem vannak, nem lopkodtam senkitől semmit. Videót YouTube bácsinak köszönjétek, illetve az alkotónak, aki előtt leborulok!!!

PS2 - Kérdés, kérés, óhaj-sóhaj június 14-ig jöhet levélben, bárkivel szívesen levelezek:
32 Trevor Road
United Kingdom

Ne feledjétek mindenkinek más válik be, másoktól csak ötletet és bíztatást várhatunk. Segíts magadon, Isten (vagy amit akarsz) is megsegít. ;) Cheers. x


PS3 - Amit én csináltam:

Négy hónapig látogattam hetente egyszer a pszichológust, aki felíratott a háziorvosommal antidepresszánst (20 mg Fluoxetine avagy Prozac naponta), amit még mindig szednem kell (fokozatosan kell elkezdeni és leállni vele, én már a leállás stádiumában vagyok, egyre kevesebbet kell szednem).

A beszélgetések mellett olvasgattunk is dolgokat, többek között verseket, illetve meglátogattuk ezt az oldalt: www.fiveareasonline.com (ahol a felhasználónevem Ports563 és a jelszavam yd44mv, nyugodtan használjátok a fiókomat).

A terápia végére egy új ember lett belőlem, ami sokaknak nem tetszik. De az egészségem fontosabb - megtanultam mi az az egészséges önzés, mert eddig csak másokkal foglalkoztam. De ugye nem tudok segíteni, ha először nem teszem magam "tisztába". ;)

Interested? Folytatás a következő irományomban, ahol elárulom a nagy titkot, amit fájt elfogadnom. Ezután tényleg "gyerekjáték" az egész. Nem harcolni kell ellene, hanem megtanulni boldogan élni vele.

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